Forgiveness: A Gift to be Shared

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.” Louis B. Smedes

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain

“The capstone that can finally be placed upon the pyramid of our understanding is Forgiveness”. John Krysko

Writing this on the afternoon of the High Holy day of Yom Kippur is a most humbling experience. In the sacred calendar of Judaism, it is the holiest day of the year. For observant Jews around the world, it centers on Atonement and Repentance. “Atonement” is the process of causing a sin to be forgiven or pardoned. It ultimately requires a reconciliation with G_d and release from punishment. It also demands repentance. In Hebrew lore, “Repentance” literally translates as “Return”. One must leave one’s sin(s), remove it from their thoughts, decide in one’s heart not to repeat it, and must demonstrate regret. While much of this involves one’s relationship with the Divine, which in Judaism is the only agency capable of such forgiveness, it also proscribes various ways to make amends with who or what we have offended and sinned against. Weighty stuff.

This process of self-transformation is not unique just to those who follow the Jewish faith. All religions (and philosophies) address this issue…and most often the process and the results are similar. The first step, and often the most challenging, is to simply acknowledge we erred. It is universal, most human, and seemingly unavoidable. If we can accept that, and allow that, as humans, it will happen, then we can begin the journey of self-healing that the task of forgiveness requires. 

Too often, the topic of forgiveness centers on forgiving others. Equally often, we are confounded on how to proceed with our own transgressions. Simple is often the best, and the model of forgiveness may best be approached with how parents best deal with their children’s mistakes. Notice I am using the word “mistake” in place of “sin”. There are various definitions of sin” from: “Missing the mark” (as in an archer’s arrow missing the target) to being guilty of violating a law. Substituting the word “mistake” implies a clear path of reconciliation- pointing out the mistake and (lovingly) guiding the person to learn and not repeat the error.  In this approach, the wrong “doer” is not inherently “bad” or “evil”, but that they are going down a wrong road, and a road with real consequences. This approach is the one taken by loving parents everywhere. Would a loving parent imprison an erring child in a locked building and then set it on fire…forever? Therefore, would an all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful entity do that? Of course not.

CenterPoint makes the case that “Forgiveness” starts from a position of total loving acceptance, absolute unconditional love. By definition, if we forget that and act out of that (ignorance) we are going to “miss the mark”, we will “sin”. It would seem logical that the way forward must require a Return to that All-Loving, All-Merciful quality of the Divine. This requirement is equally applicable whether we are the perpetrator, or whether we are the victim. The question then becomes: “How do we do that?” 

Here is both the easy part, and the tricky part…you can’t “do” it. When one child willfully destroys a project or toy of another, simply buying toy or project does not cut it. Making the errant child apologize may not be enough either, unless there is some recognition by them of their mistake (and the consequences to others). Too much harshness or anger on the part of the parent simply makes it an exercise in reinforcing a feeling of unworthiness or inherent badness on the part of the child. Right approaches and inappropriate approaches (aka “wrong” approaches) become issues of “good” and “bad”.  Once the seeds of this unlovingness are planted, they are difficult to weed out. It truly is the job of a parent to provide right guidance, but it is even more essential that the lessons are meted out from a loving hand. Parents need to go beyond mere modeling of good behavior… the job description needs to include ways for the child to understand the lessons and learn how to make amends. 

In the example of a child destroying a project, a wise and loving approach would likely include ways for the child to help rebuild the project, or work at tasks that would give them an allowance to pay for the destroyed toy. With equal measures of love and appreciation of the efforts at reconciliation.

From the CenterPoint approach all needs to proceed from Love. Of course, when we are wronged, or have wronged others (intentional or not), how can we return to love? There is no universal, one-size-fits-all solution. But we universally know how we feel when Love is present. So, the first obligation is to “return” to that feeling. This can be most difficult, but it never impossible. As we have learned to develop various muscles of Strength, and muscles of Intelligence, sop to must we develop muscles of Love. Learning  to allow Love in your life in big and small ways will make the chore of extending “Love” to mistakes all the easier. 

As in all journeys, begin with small steps, small and achievable distances. Go back to transgressions of your youth- both as victim and as perpetrators. Find one or two that were small, even inconsequential. Try to remember the circumstances.  Close your eyes and focus on “feelings”. Then imagine looking at from the perspective of a loving parent. Feel the love of that parent. Now, (here is the challenging part) feel the Love of that parent enter your own heart. If you can begin to allow that Love into your heart, and breathe with it, you are now proceeding to the second step of Forgiveness-the one past the recognition that something was “wrong”. Love will open the doorway to Repentance and Reconciliation. If we can Love past mistakes then we can then begin to live in accordance with the words of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, jr: 

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.”  

This attitude will ultimately lead us to true Forgiveness, both for others and ourselves. Once this is embedded in our HeartMind, it will spill over and be shared with all. The truly great gift of this approach to Forgiveness is that we will begin to find ourselves becoming open to ever larger Gifts of Spirit. The Path of Forgiveness then becomes a Pathway of truly experiencing our highest Self.