A Kinder, Gentler, Father

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” Mark Twain

The image of a stern, distant, mostly cerebral image of Fatherhood is being replaced by an emotionally present, involved co-parenting model. No longer is the threat of “Wait until your father comes home…” a meaningful expression. Not only do father’s take their children to baseball practice, but you see them at dance rehearsals, parent-teacher conferences, and yes, we see them cry. 

For millennia the male (father) was the one to hunt and protect, while the female (mother) stayed at home to run the household and hold the emotional space necessary for personal growth. The last 75 years has seen the ending of the many versions of the show “Father’s Knows Best”, and replaced it with a more nuanced, vulnerable and involved parent. Hallelujah!  I say this with some authority and experience as I have lived that transition. I have actively sought to be a new model, even as I have worked to understand the (equal) importance of re-defining, re-discovering the power of the Feminine, and of the Divine Mother. They literally and figuratively go “hand-in-hand”. 

Early in my personal Journey to understand the Feminine in a new light, I understood the paramount importance of also re-defining the Masculine. I attended almost all of my daughters’ events, even as I have tried for my grandchildren. I have not hidden my emotions, and they have seen me weep at times as I engage with the awareness of the pain and suffering of humanity. I washed dishes, cooked, but never sewed (this is a function of skill, not gender preference). I have also learned patience and humility. This new “model” of male parenting is many times overlooked…with an occasional honoring…mostly on Father’s Day. “A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society.” (Rev. Billy Graham). And that’s o.k.

Balancing the Male/Female dimensions and roles of parenting requires much inner work and commitment. As a child of the 60’s I believe one of the greatest challenges is being, in essence, a Pioneer. My father was an eminently good man, but he was cut from the cloth of tradition. He would come home at around 6 o’clock, take his shoes off and relax and unwind a bit before dinner, mostly by listening to music. Then dinner would be served and there would be some discussions about the day- both personal and global. He did lay the seeds of a new father role model as he always was open to my ideas and approaches. He wanted nothing more than for me to be the “Best Me”. He did still retain many old-school approaches- he would enjoy my progress in studies or sports, or art, but it was up to me to follow up. He rarely ever actively engaged in encouragement, except perhaps when we played sports together. It was up to me…

As a “New Age” dad, I vowed to be different, and I was to a great degree. However, It is only now that I realize just how important a role (and attendant effort) it is to be a “good” father. I have found that is not possible or even desirable to be a “perfect” father, but rather I have come to realize that the effort ends up perfecting me. A worthy challenge, as they say. So often we expect parents, (or authority figures in general) to be perfect. In reality the process actually requires our mistakes, allows for our flaws. It is how we face that fact that determines our destiny, and our impact. Self-forgiveness is an absolute requirement in the journey of healing our relationships with our parents…in this case our “father”. 

I grew up Christian, and I have found the traditional Judeo-Christian approach to “God the Father” to be somewhat incomplete. Yes, I pray daily, including the traditional “Lord’s Prayer”. Yet I pray also to an integration of the Masculine and the Feminine. I pray that the duality melts in my daily thoughts, feelings and activities. No Journey to Self-Actualization is ever complete without blending and then eventually transcending this duality. The Universe is Whole, and I seek that Divine Wholeness. As such I am ever seeking to be open to a new understanding of the role of “Father”, even as I seek to be Guided by the “Mother”. In the end they are expressions of the same Divinity. 

Take time this Father’s Day to remember your father, or perhaps some figure that acted as a father to you, not as a perfect or imperfect person, but as a part of yourself that will always remain working to have you become more perfect. When we forgive our fathers for their lapses, we open the door to forgive ourselves when we fail. The strength to rise-up when we fall comes equally from our fathers as well as our mothers. Take the time to reminisce about the good memories even as we remember the shared challenges that were faced together. Take a moment to smile.